Random
by Katie'n'Pluto
Summary: Emmett wants to fight Demetri, who won't answer his letters, so he tells someone that he and his family are vampires, and they tell the FBI. Esme has a secret, and Renesmee is acting weird...


**Authors' Note:**

**We know, it's really random. (:**

**We're just hyped up on gummie-bears and SoBes. (:**

**hugs.**

**Jade and Kate**

[[Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Edward, and Bella are all sitting at the dinning room table, talking. Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, and Renesmee are all hunting.

Jasper: What the hell, Em, why would you go around telling people we're freaking vampires????? Now we have to change our names and everything!

Emmett: Oh well. It'll be fun! Don't be such a Debbie Downer. I told you, I needed to find a way to pick a fight with that stupid Demetri guy. [[adds in an insulting voice]] He's such a woman; he won't even answer my death-threat letters.

Alice [[growling]]: What do you mean, you sent him death-threats?

Emmett: Oh, nothing, nothing. Just wrote to him and told him that I would rip every limb off of his body, decapitate him, and then light every piece on a hotdog-skewer over an open blaze. [[smiles innocently]]

Edward: You idiot!

Bella: Don't make fun of your brother, Edward, he doesn't know any better. His brain is a bit slower than yours and mine…

Emmett: Uh, hello? I'm right here.

Bella [[in a calming tone]]: Shh, baby, it'll be fine. We're not mad at you… [[gently pets Emmett's head]]

Edward: Baby?

Bella: Like… sweetie, honey, sugar, doll… Like a son. [[she smiles and pats Emmett's cheek]]

Emmett: Don't touch me! [[turns back to Jasper, who is fuming]] Chill out, bro, steam is exiting your ears.

Alice: OF COURSE IT IS, YOU MORON, WE HAVE TO LEAVE! AND CHANGE OUR NAMES! THE FBI IS AFTER US!!

Emmett: Changing our names will be easy. I'll be Bennett, you'll be Alison, Edward can be Edmund, Jasper will be Casper, Esme will be Elise, Carlisle will be Carl, Isabella will be Gabriella, Rosaline for Rose, Spike for Jacob, and Vanessa for Ness. See, eassssyyy. Oh, oh, I know! Change Edward's to Moonshine, and Nessie's to Rainbow, and they can be twins, adopted from hobo hippies.

[[Jasper cracks up, unable to keep his hilarity hidden behind his angry façade.]] Jasper [[between laughs]]: Ca-Casper? Are y-you insane?

Bella: Casper the friendly gho—

Edward: Vampire!

Bella: Oh, oh yeah! Casper the friendly _vampi_—

Alice [[sarcastic]]: Friendly?

Jasper: HEY I AM SO FRIENDLY!!

[[enter Jacob, from his room, where he had been sleeping.]]

Jacob: Sure, sure. You're friendly.

Alice and Jacob: NOT!

Jasper [[grumbling]]: Am so. [[louder]] Right, Bella?

Bella [[bites her lips, remembering her birthday, and countless other times he had tried to eat her]]: Uhm… sure?

Jasper: That didn't sound so sure, Bella.

Edward: You are… the… uhm… nicest person ever…

Jasper: Than—

[[Renesmee runs in, laughing, after beating the rest home.]]

Renesmee: Uncle Jasper! HI! [[runs and hugs him]]

Jasper: Hey. [[hugs back]]

Jacob: Sure, sure, I'm not here…

Renesmee [[looking over at him]]: Oh, hi. [[waves slightly, before putting her arms around Jasper's neck again and sitting on his lap]]. How's it going, Uncle Jazzy.

Jasper: Good, good. Besides that fact that both of you parents are implying I'm not nice.

Renesmee: Le Gasp!! [[gasps]] You are _so_ nice. The nicest ever!

Jacob: Yeah, super sweet and fastidious and kind and polite.

Jasper: Did you just call me fat?

Rosalie [[walking in]]: Yes. Yes, he did. Kick his butt, Jasper, kick his butt!!!!!

Jacob: What? No.

Rosalie: Yep.

Renesmee: Yup. You go, Uncle Jasper. Kick him into tomorrow!

Jacob: Nessie! Wait, what does that even mean?

Renesmee: I dunno. I heard Grandma Esme say it to Grandpa. She said: "I'm going to kick into tomorrow, moron!"

Carlisle [[walks in with Esme]]: It's true. She's so abusive.

Esme: WHAT?!?! I AM NOT!!! [[grabs him by the shirt and tosses him against the table, breaking it easily.]] I AM NOT ABUSIVE!! [[pick him up, puts him on his feet, and starts punching him in the face]] WHO'S ABUSIVE NOW, YOU IDIOT!?

[[Everyone else slowly exits the room, scared by her actions.]]

Esme [[to herself, stopping with the punching]]: Hmm, I think I'll clean. [[walks out]]

Carlisle [[to himself]]: I think I'll try and clone Jacob… [[walks to find Jacob]]

**THANKS FOR READING!!! (:**

**We had fun writing it; hope you had fun reading it. (:**

**hugs.**

**Katie and Jade**


End file.
